Blackbird
by MissPuck
Summary: The first Story in The Misguided Roses Trilogy. Elizabeth and AJ find comfort in each other when their respective love interests leave them. Other characters featured are Skye, Zander and Jason.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: ****This story is about Elizabeth Webber and AJ Quartermaine, the black sheep of their families. What would have happened if they had met up after JIP decided to go out? Blackbird is the first in a Trilogy called "Misguided Roses" This story also includes the characters Zander Smith, Skye Quartermaine and Jason Morgan. Eventually more characters may be added but it will still revolve around Liz, AJ, Skye and Zander. **

**I should also add that this is my brainchild from years back. It started it in 2003 with a one shot which you are about to read then got convinced to take it further. Happy to oblige (since I love both Alan James Junior and Elizabeth Imogene respectively) I began the journey to what I called "LayJ" (and yes, I used "journey" in there purposefully. Since then it's gone on several hiatus' due to lack of muse, school, work and other things.**

**The hiatus is over.**

**When does this story take place?**

It begins on the day of Jax and Skye's wedding but after that the timeline is a bit fuzzy. Eventually, dates will be mentioned.

It is important to remember that Brenda does return, thus ending the union between Skye and Jax. That storyline stays the same for both parties but that is where the similarities between General Hospital and Blackbird end unless stated otherwise in the story itself.

_Special thank you goes out to Donna and Meggi for listening to me ramble on about story ideas and BETAing some of the chapters._

**September 2002**

AJ left the wedding, a sour taste in his mouth, gut heavy with worry and panic. Leaving his wife alone with Jason just didn't seem like a good idea. But this was his chance to get his money back, to give her a better life.

He'd be good enough for Courtney…right?

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

Elizabeth paced through the Penthouse for the fifth time that evening. Jason was lying to her. About what? An affair?

Could be.

But Carly said…

But when was Carly ever right?

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

The airport, he should be heading to the airport like a smart man, not back to Courtney, not to say goodbye—again. But AJ needed to see her, couldn't get enough of her. Just one last time, then he'd go.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

She had to get out of the suffocating Penthouse, Alcazar, danger and everything else be damned. She had to go. Somewhere, anywhere. Elizabeth didn't like being cooped up like an animal.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

AJ ran up the steps of the church, the lights were out. Worry encased him. Was Courtney okay? Did something happen to her?

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

Why was she here? At the church. She knew Skye and Jax were getting married. There was no real reason for her to be there though, she was close to neither.

Maybe it was the idea of seeing a happy ending. Elizabeth hadn't had one of those. There had been happy parts of her life, sure. But never a happy ending. A figure caught her attention. His silhouette against the large doors of the church seemed so small.

As she drew neared she saw that it was AJ.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"Why are you outside? Shouldn't you be in there with your sister? It is her wedding day."

AJ turned around to see Elizabeth Webber, her small, fragile frame darkened by the night. There was a sadness in her eyes, a wariness. Suddenly a very uneasy feeling overcame him. Like they were both waiting for something terrible to unfold. Swallowing hard, he shrugged. "I was leaving to go to the airport. I just wanted to see Courtney one last time."

Immediately he saw understanding there. The wariness softened and she almost smiled. "I just…I wanted to see the wedding. I love weddings."

"Even though yours didn't turn out so well?"

"Right." Pain made her face tense up. "The lights are out."

He nodded slowly, "I'm going to go in and see if Courtney's alright. You stay here, I have a bad feeling about all of this."

Before hearing her answer, AJ walked inside the church and heard the chaos that was going on inside. Immediately he felt a hand on his shoulder.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

Elizabeth hated the dark and out of fear she touched AJ's shoulder to remind her that she wasn't alone, even though the sound of people stumbling around and being loud told her that there were many people in the building.

"Who is it?" He whispered sharply.

Her tone matched his, "Elizabeth."

"I thought I told you to stay outside!"

She smiled sheepishly, knowing he couldn't see it. "I've been told I don't take orders well." Her admission was light hearted, after all there was no reason to explain herself to AJ, she didn't know him that well so why should he care.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"Apparently you've been told right." AJ answered, "I guess if I told you to stay here while I go look for Courtney I'd be wasting my breath." He wouldn't admit that it was nice having someone around when his insides were wound as tight as rubber bands. Unlike his brother, fear was a big motivator.

Her hand pressed down a little harder, hands shaking a bit. "You guessed right."

"You're scared?"

He didn't have to see her to know she was nodding, "who in their right mind wouldn't be with all that's gone on? But we have to see if Courtney's okay."

She had a point and it was nice to know she was scared as well and it was better to know that she was going to go with him.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

Of course it was stupid to go into an unlit building when you were afraid of the dark. But then again it wasn't in her nature to let fear rule her life anymore. The rape had taught her that.

So she grabbed AJ's hand and he led her through the building, often stumbling over things as they went.

Finally the lights went on and the sight before her made her heart shatter into a million pieces. Her hand dropped from AJ's and she stared on in horror and agony.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

There was Courtney with Jason's arms wrapped around her. They seemed so comfortable, so cozy. AJ felt Elizabeth's hand leave his.

The commotion around them wasn't noticed. Only the pain of seeing that Courtney's tender goodbye had meant nothing, that all along she had wanted one thing, one person, Jason. His heart sunk to his stomach.

"AJ!" Courtney exclaimed, untangling herself from Jason's arms and walking towards him, "look, it isn't what you think…"

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"Can you explain?" Elizabeth asked tightly, not paying attention to Courtney in the slightest, "or is this business too?"

The pain was fueling her speech, no other component paralleled it. In fact, no other thought then run had entered her mind but her feet would not obey.

"I guess it's your turn, right?" She continued at his silence. "I had Zander, now you get Courtney?"

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"Can't they always explain?" AJ breathed out, tears prickling behind his lids as his wife stood before him, lipstick smudged, cheeks a rosy red from blushing. What happened was obvious. "I- I don't want to hear it, not now, not ever."

"AJ-"

"I have a plane to catch."

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"It's- its business, Elizabeth."

Bitter laughter gritted through her teeth, "right, of course." God, it hurt so bad. Why did it hurt so bad? She should have been used to this by now. "My bad."

Out of the corner of her eye she caught AJ walking away, Courtney following.

When he turned around she saw the pain in her broken heart mirrored in his eyes. Instead of watching him go through this and go through it herself, she grabbed Courtney's arm. "You have the brother you want to be with, the one who you don't consider your brother-in-law."

"You don't know anything about it."

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

AJ's eyes caught Elizabeth's and a tear slipped down her face, "right now, I think she's the only one here who does know." Wetting his lips, he sidestepped towards her and extended his hand. "Want to take a vacation, Elizabeth? One I think we both need?"

There was a bit of hesitation before the nod. "Yeah, I think I'd really like to get away."

"Elizabeth…" Jason began.

AJ turned his sharp brown eyes toward his brother after he saw Elizabeth wince. "Leave her alone, Jason. You got what you wanted, didn't you?"

"Shut up, AJ. You don't know what you're talking about."

Elizabeth took his hand and then began walking away, she paused and turned around.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"You were right all along, Jason, I guess I can't handle your business." When she turned around she began to let the tears she had been fighting so hard slip down her face. She turned her gaze to AJ, "can we go now?"

His nod was solemn, "yeah, but I'd like to light a candle before we leave, if you don't mind…and say a prayer for the broken hearted."

As always, feedback would help satisfy the muse and keep her yapping.


	2. Chapter 2

_LiasonFan—Thanks so much!!!!_

**Chapter Two: Human Frailty**

The plane was unnaturally quiet, every once in a while there was a shuffle or a cough or a sneeze, if they were fortunate there was a whisper. But mostly? Just silence.

Elizabeth sighed and stared out the window, her hands folded on her lap, eyes red from crying. Too many tears had come from those eyes. She was tired of it, tired of everything, actually. Everything looked so small from the plane window, so insignificant. All of those lives underneath them, other people living, breathing, trying to deal with their problems while she sat high above them, trapped in her own personal hell.

She could feel AJ's arm against hers, the fabric of their clothing rubbed together, making a scratching sound that echoed throughout her mind. If someone had said a week ago she would be on a plane to Washington with AJ Quartermaine in hopes that he would get his fortune back, she would have laughed at that pure idiocy of the scenario.

Yet here she was, here he was, here they were.

People did weird things when they were hurting. Elizabeth knew that from experience. Sometimes they slept with a guy they didn't know all that well, sometimes they slapped people, sometimes they went into bars wearing provocative clothing and were asking for trouble.

And sometimes they were heading on a plane with the brother of the man they loved hoping to God the pain would dissipate sometime in the future.

"I could kill him." AJ murmured under his breath, taking a deep breath, "I could really kick his ass."

Elizabeth turned to look at him, a pang of compassion filling her at the sad, broken expression on his handsome face. "Jason's?"

Nodding, his lip curled. "Yeah."

"Okay, you kick his ass and I'll stand behind you, staring menacingly." At AJ's raised eyebrows and surprised look, she shrugged. "What? I'm little!"

"And what am I? A towering terror?"

Elizabeth crossed her arms over her chest, "you work out. Hey, you do- I saw you in those work clothes at Kelly's, the wife beater. Hey, a girl has eyes, you know." Settling back in her seat, Elizabeth looked up at the ceiling of the plane. "Well…they do."

AJ snickered, "last words I thought I'd here from _your_ mouth."

Arching a brow, Elizabeth turned her gaze out the window. "Okay fine then, I'll kick his ass or…hit him with a baseball bat, right in the knee caps. BAM! Here's your present back, punk." Glancing back over at him, she smiled, "I can do it to Courtney too, hey, if they're lucky they can share a hospital room."

"I can see the headlines now, 'jilted lovers get violent. Two hospitalized.'"

For some reason that was the funniest thing Elizabeth had ever heard and so she laughed…paused, then laughed some more. When she finally came up for air, she grinned, "hey, why stop there? If I'm going to go to jail for assault might as well get Sarah in there too, with her _perfect_ hair, her _perfect_ clothes, her _perfect_ personality and her _perfect_ little face."

"And Edward, can't forget Edward."

"We could just go on a mass assaulting spree. Like…like Bonnie and Clyde except with baseball bats and no robberies. Well, unless I get fired from Kelly's and you don't get your money back—then we can do the robbery thing."

"Best plan I've heard all year." AJ agreed, sighing heavily, "so you have a perfect sibling, huh? I never would have figured it, you know. I thought you had everything going for you. Everyone seems to like you."

Elizabeth snorted, "sure, they do now. You know, _after_ the better Webber left. Then when she came back Lucky just flocked right to her. Well, whatever, I don't care."

"Sounds like you do."

"Well I don't!" She snapped, rolling her eyes, "and what about you? I thought you were all together now? Beautiful wife, good job, separated from your dysfunctional family."

"Beautiful wife that had to be a stripper because of me running into the Oasis one night when I was drunk, Edward hounding me day and night, night and day, Jason saves said wife, they boink—the end."

"Life sucks."

"Yup, life sucks."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence before AJ went on, "I think this trip to Washington is the right thing for me, really, I do. I think I can finally get my head on straight."

"I think I'll stop guy hopping…and maybe even make a friend."

AJ smiled. "Or at least we'll simply get a nice vacation."

"Think we did the right thing?"

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

The right thing, AJ had to debate that. Maybe the right thing would have been to stay and hear Jason and Courtney out. Maybe the right thing was to forgive and forget. Maybe the right thing was to get over his insecurities and stop shooting himself in the foot. "Probably not, I'm not known for doing the right thing."

"Well, the right thing is overrated, trust me."

And he did trust her, oddly enough; they seemed to be in the same boat. And she was very beautiful, he realized. There were different flecks of blue in her eyes; he had never noticed that before. And her hair, it looked soft, touchable.

It would be so wonderful to drown himself in her like she was a glass of vodka.

Then suddenly, her face fell and she pulled her knees to her chest. Like a broken doll she sat there limply, softly sobbing. The joking was over, reality had sunk in.

Not clear on what to do, AJ put a hand on her shoulder reluctantly, "I um…"

When she looked up her tear stained face broke his already shattered heart even more. Jason Morgan was a dead man. How many people did he have to hurt for others to realize how completely wretched he was? How many lives had to be destroyed in the name of 'honor'? "How could they do this to us, AJ?"

There was no answer, he didn't know.

"I want to hate him, I really, really do."

"I want to hate Courtney, no luck."

Laughing bitterly she wiped her eyes, "God, I am an idiot, aren't I? Can I pick 'em or can I pick 'em?"

AJ stroked a strand of stray hair from her face, "we all make bad choices, I mean…you're speaking to the master of bad decisions here."

A wobbly smile appeared at her lips, "ever try and stab someone you thought was your rapist then ended up not being your rapist only you didn't even stab that guy and instead stabbed the guy you loved?"

"Never was in love with a guy."

"Real cute."

"Trust me, I've done worse." AJ didn't really feel like going into it. "If it's any consolation, you could do better then Jason."

"I don't _want_ to do better. I want _him_." Elizabeth shook her head, "wanted, no I wanted him. Past tense. I was hurt once, hurt twice, not going in for a third go around with the male gender."

"Has someone ever left you for money?" AJ suddenly asked, "trust me, I know pain. I know your pain and I'd like to cut myself off from Courtney forever. Whether she was with him or not, it doesn't matter. She doesn't trust me enough to come to me with problems and I don't trust myself enough to let her." Now tears were springing from his eyes. He didn't stop them, what was the point? "And I know that when I go back to Port Charles, I'll run back to her. I'm not man enough to leave her, not strong enough to let her go."

"Sometimes the strong thing to do is to try and make it work."

"You're running away."

She laughed bitterly, "trying to maintain what little pride Lucky Spencer didn't take away from me. It's funny, he gave it to me, he took it away. I love the irony."

"Maybe, maybe by the time we leave Washington I'll know what I'm supposed to do. Maybe by then I'll have it all worked out in my head."

"Or maybe we'll just be as confused as we are now?"

"Maybe."

"I wish- I don't know what I wish anymore. I can't think of a single dream right now."

The strain in AJ's chest beckoned him to put a comforting arm around the small girl. Not just for her but for himself. "I dream a lot, spend most of my days fantasizing actually. Nothing ever works out the way I dream it but it's nice to lose yourself in an ideal sometimes."

"It was nice…I had all these dreams for Lucky and me, you know? Great dreams. Fairytale ending and everything."

"I've never had a fairytale ending. Apparently I'm not so fabulous at the knight in shining armor bit."

"I've had my fair share of the knights, I think I'm tired of wanting a fairytale." She leaned her head on his shoulder, "but I think you'd make a fine knight in shining armor. You saved me from a boat load of humiliation at the church."

He laughed weakly, "It was purely selfish, I assure you. I did it to piss Jason off."

"Yeah, that's why I came- to piss Jason off. I know it's vindictive and mean but…I hope he's hurting."

"Well, it sounds pretty normal to me."

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

It was reassuring to know that she wasn't evil for thinking the thoughts she was and it was also nice to realize that AJ wasn't the idiot his brother thought he was. Maybe that was just Jason's way of rationalizing his affair with Courtney or something. Whatever the reason, Liz found herself feeling a little defensive of AJ and had Jason been around, he would have had an earful.

Of course that could have been easily been bitterness over being fooled…again…by the male gender.

"Thanks." She was sincere in her gratitude.

It was odd, not knowing how to act around someone. With Jason it was easy, she talked, he listened. Supposedly there were no pretenses. With everyone else? A smile and a cheerful look seemed to do the trick. But AJ knew she was hurting, not because he knew her but because he had just witnessed a very painful moment for her. He was hurting too, she didn't know him well enough to figure a way to comfort him. They didn't know each other at all.

Maybe this hadn't been the best idea after all. But it was a decision she made and now she was to live with it. Glancing at AJ, who seemed lost in thought she decided it may not be all that bad. He was funny and handsome, didn't seem to expect much from her. Which was always good. Elizabeth hated disappointing people.

Perhaps, if she did this right and didn't set the same standards she had always expected of people, honesty and loyalty, maybe a friendship could bloom. Not that she knew if AJ wasn't honest or loyal—it was just those standards seemed a little high for humankind as of late. Even the great Jason Morgan couldn't live up to them.

Maybe that was the entire problem. Maybe it was the pedestal she had put him and everyone else on, maybe it was how she built her life around people instead of building herself up.

It was all so confusing.

"What do you need? I mean, to make you feel better."

"A tall glass of vodka, or maybe five of them."

Alcoholism, Elizabeth wrinkled her nose, "okay, other then that."

"Sex?"

"Temporary solution to pain and fear—I've tried that before."

His eyebrows raised in surprise, "_you_? _You_ have tried that?"

Helplessly, Elizabeth nodded. "Not something I'm proud of, I hurt people with that little stunt, I screwed up. I royally screwed up. No one came out of that mess without a wound. Have I completely deconstructed your image of me?"

"Hell yes."

Elizabeth smiled, "good. I don't need anymore people thinking I'm perfect."

"Good because I don't think I can handle another _perfect_ person in my life."

The mutual understanding gave them a new place to work with, broke new ground in their lives. Elizabeth decided that if she was going to try once more at a friendship, she was going to be the one to have to work at it. _She_ was going to have to be the one to put her fears of being let down, of letting people down aside and just go for it.

Maybe all of this happened for a reason. Maybe seeing Jason with Courtney, reliving the pain of betrayal _again_ had been the final straw. Maybe this was her chance at a new life that was completely and utterly _hers_

The stabbing pain of what happened was still in the forefront of her mind, nagging and nagging at her. She was going to miss Jason, miss the bike rides and the teasing, miss the talks and the pool games, miss the way he made her smile and feel better.

But now she would have to make _herself_ smile and feel better, it was all up to her now. And she would be stronger for it. After the grief of yet another person lying to her was gone, she'd move on, hold her head high.

**XXXXXXXXXXX2 **

The bile began to rise in AJ's throat as he realized that he couldn't go back to Courtney now, not even if he waned to. It was over. The woman who believed in him, made him believe in himself was gone. His reason for being a better person had vanished. Strength to stay away wasn't what was going to keep him away, if that were the case he'd have gone back to her. No, it was the hurt that would keep them separated.

Would he crawl back into the shadows? Would he stumble and not be able to get back up?

Would he find himself staring at the bottom of an empty flask?

As his fears began to rise, it seemed his new companions were easing. She shouldn't be at ease around him, no one should. "Elizabeth, I may drink."

"Excuse me?"

"Alcohol, I may fall off the wagon, it's happened recently, it could happen again."

Their eyes met and she slowly nodded, "okay. Um, do you want me to help you in anyway?"

AJ cringed, "I don't want another savior."

"And I don't want to _be_ a savior." She told him in a plain voice, "I want to know what you need to do so you don't drink, that way I can support that and help you." Her face lowered and she looked up at him under knitted brows. "I don't know much about alcoholism or what it does, really. So this is your playing field. You have to tell me what you need."

Tell her what he needed. She actually cared what he needed? That was nice. But how did he know what he needed? He knew what he wanted, never knew the right way to get it, but wants were easy to figure out. Needs were another story. When he answered her, he spoke slowly, uncertainly. "I need to…not have alcohol around me…and I need…"

"Yes?"

"I need to stop hurting. God, I'm so weak."

"Human frailty is universal. It's not weakness, it's just what is." A small chuckle escaped and she shook her head, tucking a strand of brown hair behind her ear. "We all want to be strong but when it really comes down to it, no one is. We're just stumbling."

"You don't understand. I've always been the weakest, Jason was always strong and right and good."

Her hand covered his and she stared at him with crystal blue eyes, they weren't like Courtney's though. Her eyes held a wisdom and pain beyond her years. "Then when you overcome all of this, not if, but when, you won't see Jason the way you used to. He'll lose his power and you'll see truth."

"Is that what you want for yourself?"

"More then anything." A wistful smile appeared at her lips. "I've been hurting for a long time now, I'm guessing you have too. We may just be the lesser siblings but in the end? We'll be more then they ever were."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I have to be otherwise I'd crawl into a corner and want to die."

He knew that feeling. Knew it all too well. She understood him, understood what it was like to be the bad seed. That was comforting and it gave him hope. If she understood and if she was hopeful then he could be hopeful too.

AJ rested his head on her shoulder and listened to the lulling sound of plain's engine. Washington would be good for him, for both of them. It would give them both perspective and clean out their systems of angst.

He had to believe it would all be okay.


	3. Chapter 3

_Ayshen__: Thanks so much! I tried very hard to make this a character driven story insteadof a plot driven one. _

_Liasonfan101__: Thanks ___

_nlr1169__ I'm glad you liked it then and you're willing to read it a second time! It is the one fanfiction I'll never give up on completely. I always go back to it ____ thanks!_

_Rvaughan__: Thanks! I'm really enjoying reposting and writing fresh chapters! _

_live4jasam__: Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it!!!_

**Chapter Three: Break Free**

"I can't do it." Elizabeth stated as she stood outside Kelly's with a frown on her face, turned around and began walking away. The pure look of fear on her countenance, gave AJ a few chills- if she didn't thinks he could do it, could he?

Quickly, AJ grabbed the back of her red, silk shirt, pulled her back to the door and turned her around. "Yes, you _can_." He insisted with a reassuring nod.

They had been back from DC for one day and had spent that day hiding in a hotel room that he could now _afford_ since he had gotten all his money back. Money that his new, found friend Elizabeth was reluctant to touch. Apparently, she was not the type to be bought. And that was always a good sign.

They had been in Washington for two months and in that time had bonded a great deal and learned more about each other and more importantly about themselves then AJ had ever thought possible. That hope he had held onto on the plane guided the two and now he felt, well, like he belonged with someone. Like there was another person on the earth who _understood_ his jealousy and vulnerability- his lack of being loved.

It was so much more then just nice.

"Nuh-uh. Can't do it." Shaking her head with a determined look on her face she folded her arms across her chest. "I'd like to move, yes, move far, far away and start a gallery. Doesn't a gallery sound like a fun thing to run?"

"Yes, it does. Port Charles needs a gallery. Now get in there and take your life back."

Scowling at him, she groaned. "They can have my life, frankly, it wasn't that great."

Laughing a little, AJ put an encouraging hand on the small of her back, pushing her gently towards the door. "You're stronger then this." His insistence seemed to soften her a bit but then the stubborn expression returned once more. Damn she could be infuriating sometimes.

"Being strong is overrated."

He glared at her, "_Elizabeth_." His tone was received with a look of defiance. Her crystal blue eyes glittered and she set her jaw tightly. "Come on, Liz. Get a grip, take a deep breath and show every #$ that ever hurt you that you're not just going to lie down and take it."

Face softening, she smiled a little then stopped. "Don't do that."

"Do what?" He asked, smiling knowingly.

Snorting, she waved a hand at him. "Make so much sense. Damn it, AJ. I don't want to go in there and if I don't want to go in there I don't have to."

Relenting, AJ took a step back and spread his arms, "okay then. You're not ready. What do you want to do?" He reached out and put a hand on her forearm, this supportive gesture had become something of a habit for them. They were both very physical people and craved human contact; he had first noticed that about them in Washington. It was nice to notice things like that. A lot of things had been nice for them there.

Any humor left dissipated from her face, "I want to paint."

"Then we'll go paint. Hey, I can do a mean stick figure. No one draws a stick figure quite like I do."

The response he was seeking, a small laugh, was given to him. "Painting it is." She nodded, reaffirming her decision. Her hand shot out and grabbed his, squeezing it tightly. "Thanks for not…pushing."

Swallowing, AJ smiled. "Anytime."

"AJ!"

The two turned around to see Courtney standing at the door, a broad smile on her face. Before AJ could say a thing, she rushed into his arms and embraced him tightly. Weakness overcame him and he felt himself hugging back. Closing his eyes, breathing her in, falling back into an old pattern. "I'm so glad you're home, I've missed you so much!"

Instantly, he let go and took a step back. "Courtney I…" Unable to finish his sentence, he took a deep breath and looked straight at Elizabeth.

Her gaze was questioning but not intrusive. She took a step to go but he shook his head and she planted herself back in her spot, nodding a little.

"I was so worried about you! And I have to say, _nothing_ is going on with me and Jason, I promise you that. I would never ever betray you. You have to know that."

Wetting his lips, AJ began to nod. "Yes, I know you wouldn't. You're a good person, Courtney." A weary smile held his mouth up as he paused. "And I missed you too."

"We can get back to where we were, AJ. We can, I know it."

The weary smile faded from his face and tears burned behind his lids. God, this was painful, it hurt so incredibly badly that he didn't think he could take it. The tightness in his chest spread throughout his entire body until he felt like he would burst from the unadulterated agony.

But he would do this. Because this was how it had to be, this was how he could make things better for both himself and Courtney. "No, we can't." AJ glanced over at Elizabeth and motioned that it was okay for her to go. He had to rely on his own strength now, no matter how much he wanted her presence there to reassure him.

Slowly she walked away, almost reluctantly and disappeared into Kelly's, hissing something under her breath about trickery.

"What do you mean, no we can't?" She asked, ignoring the fact Elizabeth had ever been there at all.

AJ's heart plummeted at the pain on her face. But ripping off the band-aid might hurt a lot now but at least it wouldn't be a slow peel. Best to do things quickly, get it over with. Now if only he could get his lips to move so he could say it.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

She froze.

There he was, sitting at the counter wearing a short sleeved black shirt and black jeans, drinking a coffee. Elizabeth hissed in a breath, trying to force her legs to move the other way, far from Jason Morgan.

But that wouldn't work and neither would her voice box as she tried to call out to AJ, maybe he could carry her out of the damn diner. Blinking, she just stared until her eyes drifted to the seat next to him. Brenda Barrett?

Wait, Brenda Barrett was dead- wasn't she?

Slowly, he looked up at her. At first his eyes glistened, as though he was happy to see her. At that look, her heart hardened. No. No. No. She would not go back there again. He had hurt her.

As he stood up and walked over to her she screamed silently for her legs to move. Just one foot behind the other, walk backwards to the door, but they wouldn't comply.

"Elizabeth."

"She- she's dead?" Was all Liz could croak out, her eyes drifting to Brenda.

The brunette stood, "I remember you, Lucky's girlfriend, right?"

A bitter laugh escaped Liz's throat. There was her name again- somebody's girlfriend. Never Elizabeth, never ever was she her own person. Drooping her head, a glint of metal caught her eye. No, not metal, gold. A gold ring. A gold _wedding_ band…on Jason's hand.

Her eyes moved to Brenda's fingers.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me"

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"I love you, I do and a part of me will always love you, Courtney." AJ began in an unsteady voice as he shifted uncomfortably and stared down at his feet. Finally he mustered the courage to look up at Courtney, at his wife. "But we're not good for each other."

Confusion marred her features, "that's not true! AJ, love is good."

"Not always." His voice grew a bit stronger, "I had a lot of time to think, Courtney. About myself, about you, about us." Gently, he reached his hand out to touch a strand of her golden hair but quickly snatched it back. She looked like an angel, she was an angel. Beautifully dressed in a white sundress and a white sweater over it that made her golden skin shine and glow. God, how was he going to do this? How was he going to tear her heart out? His own heart out?

She faltered, "to think?"

Nodding, he looked away. "Yes and I realized something. I'm going to screw up, I'm going to screw up…a lot and you, you'll fix it."

"I'm your wife…I'm supposed to."

A tear slipped down his cheek but he quickly brushed it away. "No, no you're not." His voice caught but he went on, "that's not how it's supposed to be. It's not healthy and it's not right. It just…it enables me to keep screwing up. That's just not fair…to either of us. You deserve better. Hell, I deserve better."

And he meant it, they _both_ deserved better. It had taken years and years of self-deprecation and even more of screwing up time after time but in the last month he realized he could be more then that. He could be more then the town drunk, the town screw up.

He had potential, Elizabeth had taught him that.

"AJ-"

"Let me finish." His statement was flat even though tears were now streaming down his face. "You're beautiful and you're strong. I'd just…I'd take away from that, Courtney. In the end, I'd destroy it and if that happened I'd destroy another part of me. And so much of me is wrecked, so much…I can't risk anymore of myself to that."

He watched as she swallowed a lump in her throat, as her eyes shined with tears. "I love you, AJ. I don't want to wreck you, I'd _never_ wreck you."

"You wouldn't mean to, no, of course not. You're too good for that, too kind." Pausing, he took a deep breath, "but the road to hell is paved in good intentions. We'd work, for a little while anyway. And it would be good, God, it would be so good and it would feel like heaven. But not for long, it wouldn't last."

"Don't be ridiculous."

Frustrated, AJ made a growling sound. "I'm _not_ being ridiculous. I'm being realistic here. Damn it, don't fight this, Courtney. For the love of God don't make this harder then it already is." Anger replaced sadness. Anger at himself, anger at her, anger at everything that was human, everything that was animal, ever part of nature and everything man made. He cursed it all in a long stream of silent profanities that lasted but a moment yet seemed like forever. "Love is _not_ enough, that's a fairy tale, a dream. I don't belong in those and damn it, I never will. I don't even _want_ to anymore."

Cringing away from him in fear, she sucked in a breath. "Are you drunk?"

"You see? You're always going to wonder. Will today be the day he drinks? How about tomorrow? You'll think 'I shouldn't say that- do that, he might take a drink' and you'll walk on egg shells and you'll guard you words." Growing more agitated by the minute his voice rose, "is that _healthy_, Courtney? Tell me, is that love?"

The tears that rolled down her flawless skin almost broke him; the look of panic in her sky blue eyes almost weakened him. He wanted to apologize, to tell her he didn't mean what he said. But he wasn't sorry and he did mean them…no more lies. He couldn't live on lies anymore. "I can't live with you like that, with you always ready and able to make my mistakes go away. It would kill me in the end, it always does."

Her nose was red from crying and her cheeks flushed from fear. She cowered before him like a frightened child. He felt like a monster and honestly, inside there was a monster and she couldn't handle it, not when he couldn't either. "You can't help me, you can't _fix_ me. I'm not some broken machine. I'm a man, I'm not even a good man. I'm cruel and I'm selfish and I won't change just because you will it to happen. No amount of love can change it."

The fear drained from her countenance and she stood taller. "Life isn't _hopeless_, AJ. If you believe that you can't change then you have _nothing_. Without dreams you're just a shell, you exist but you don't live. Love can fix it, AJ. You just have to believe in it."

"_Love_ can't fix me, I have to fix me. A time comes when you have to step up to the plate and be a man. My time has come, let me do it, Courtney. Let me break free of these damn shackles that have held me since the first memory I've ever had."

"Courtney, please. Just set me free."

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"You're…You're _married_?"

Disbelief was first, Jason couldn't be married. She had only been gone two months. And he had time to fall in love since then? Impossible, simply impossible.

Then it hit her.

The lipstick, the nights he disappeared, the secrets. He hadn't been with Courtney, no, she and AJ had compared dates. She had been with her husband a lot of those nights. No, it wasn't her, it was _Brenda_.

She was _not_ going to cry.

Somehow thinking that made it so and the tears were forced back immediately. She shoved her hands into the pockets of her jeans. "I guess I should congratulate you? Wow. You've been a busy man, haven't you Jason? But then again you know the saying, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I'm glad you had time for some extracurricular activities."

Wetting her lips, she arched a brow, "Glad you had time to fit her into your busy schedule, Jason. So how did it happen? How did you both fall in love? I'd love to hear the story."

Jason opened his mouth to speak, then shut it, obviously rethinking his plan. It was Brenda who answered her. "It all happened so suddenly," she began almost apologetically, "you know how these things are though."

Her eyes met Jason's and she stared at him for a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a year. "Yes, I know how these things are." She finally answered, her voice as frosty as the arctic. Shoving her hands in her pockets she offered a broad, fake smile. "Love, it's a funny thing, isn't it _Jason?_"

"Elizabeth-"

"But when you find that one right person, the one that understands you, that lets you be yourself, well then, how can you deny it?" She went on like hadn't spoken. Her words were careful, neutral, void of inflection. "I'm sure he does that for you, Brenda." Although she addressed his wife she didn't look at her.

"Why yes, we understand each other."

Elizabeth laughed a little. God, the pain, it was making her irrational. That had to be why she was laughing, it could be the only reason. Her head was spinning and she could feel the tension within her body build. "You're a beautiful woman, Brenda. I bet Jason has told you that, hasn't he?"

"Um yes?"

"And strong? I bet he said you were strong too." Her gaze not leaving Jason's she smiled coldly. "How about intelligent? Did he tell you how smart you are? And how about dreams? You look like a dreamer Mrs. Morgan. Does he live off your dreams? He doesn't have many of his own, you know."

Jason winced, but his gaze never wavered from hers. So much was spoken, much more then the words she said and they all registered in his head. She could practically see it happening. "Please don't do this." He said quietly.

"You're such a lucky woman, Mrs. _Morgan_ to have such a devoted and wonderful _husband_. Expecting children any time soon?"

"Well um…"

"I bet they'll be _beautiful_. I wonder if they'll have his eyes. He has beautiful eyes, don't you _think_? Ever notice how they sparkle at you?"

Finally she turned to Brenda, "Don't believe it. Not the words, not the sparkle. For a man who doesn't lie, it's kind of hard to believe a word out of his mouth."

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"I love you AJ, with all my heart, my soul. You're a better man then you think you are, then Sonny thinks you are." Courtney told him in a gentle voice, her hand reaching out to touch him, AJ backed away from it, feeling as though her hand might burn him and render him ashes. "Be free with me."

If only he could see her clearly but his eyes were blurred by tears, "I know you think that." He croaked out, "I know you believe we can and that's one of the reasons I fell in love with you but we can't. I'm so sorry and you have no idea how sorry I am. You never, ever will."

Her face contorted a little, mouth opening in a sob. "Did she help you come to this conclusion, AJ?"

Surprised, he shook his head. "No, she told me to do what I felt I needed to."

Courtney laughed bitterly, "right, I believe that. Sure, I do. I'm sure when she found out Jason and Brenda Barrett were married she was all happy and pleased, didn't try to win you over."

AJ had misheard her, that had to be the explanation. Brenda was dead how could she and Jason be married. "Married? I-I- thought she was dead."

Courtney wiped away her tears and looked away from him, "nope, she's alive and married to Jason…they're inside Kelly's, right now."

AJ looked from Courtney to the door, back to Courtney. "You're hurt." He whispered, "at the marriage, you're hurt. Oh my God…Courtney…"

Rolling her eyes a bit, she looked up at the sky, agony in her eyes. "I, AJ…I was going to tell you, I was. Nothing happened, it was just a kiss and-"

"Friendship- you said and- I can't do this. Oh my God, Elizabeth…" without another thought given to himself or to Courtney he moved to get past her to Elizabeth. Jesus, she must be shell shocked, hurt. How could Jason do this to her? Courtney stood in his way and he narrowed his eyes on her. "Get out of my way."

"Let me explain."

"I. Don't. Have. Time." He ground out, gently pushing her out of the way so he could run inside Kelly's. When he got inside his heart broke. Elizabeth was rigid and even from behind he could tell that all the color had drained from her body as she stared at the couple before her.

He closed his hands over her arms, holding her as gently but protectively as he could.

"Don't ask him too many questions either," she was saying in a cold, emotionless voice. "He'll never answer you, not even if it could get you killed. He'll leave you unguarded in your home. Nothing to protect you, so when two huge frightening men come to take you away, they can."

"Elizabeth, please- please don't do this." Jason said in a muted voice, his eyes filled with pain.

AJ scowled at him, "shut up, Jason."

Brenda's eyebrows rose, "what do you have to do with any of this?"

Elizabeth's hand touched one of AJ's on her shoulders, her gaze locked on Jason's. "AJ's my friend."

"What's going on here?" Came a new voice, causing both Elizabeth and AJ to turn around. It was…Sonny Corinthos.

Before AJ could say a word Elizabeth's bitter laughter echoed throughout the room, "Doesn't anybody ever stay dead in this town?" She turned back to Jason, paused and AJ could see the wheels in her mind working. "You…"

"You knew he was alive, didn't you? It…It was a hoax?" For the first time her voice wavered and her face fell, "you…didn't trust me?" The coldness was back as she stared from him to Brenda. "You didn't trust me?"

Slowly, she smiled a little, tilting her head to the side. "Good luck in life, in your marriage."

She turned around to walk away.

No one stopped her.

Finally AJ turned to Jason, feeling disgust grow within him. He shook his head, "don't ever insult me or tell me I'm a screw up ever again because if you do, Jason, I am going to remind you of this moment and the look on her face."

Turning away from his brother, he ran out of Kelly's, past Courtney to where the small silhouette of Liz was, waking away slowly. When he got to her she was still rigid, still cold and when she looked at him, she didn't even look like Elizabeth anymore.

And so he held her all the way to her studio, led her inside, watched as she sat down on the couch looking so broken, so alone. Gently he took her into his arms. The coldness, he had never seen her cold before. Worry creased his brow.

"How did it go with Courtney?" She asked softly, not looking at him.

AJ shrugged, his eyes now glued to the floor. "She's in love with Jason…she's in love with me. You can see it, it's in her eyes…"

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry too."

Folding her hands on her lap, she flexed her fingers and took a deep breath. "Lucky, Jason…am I so hard to love? Am I that terrible? I'm a fool, an idiot. I trust all the wrong people at all the wrong times."

AJ didn't know quite what to say. "Maybe we're both fools. But I do know that we can be loved, that we deserve it, that one day we'll each find someone that loves us and only us. We can hold onto that, we can hold onto each other."

Slowly, she buried her face in his chest and began to cry, he held her, tears streaming down his face as well.

And he knew it was going to be alright, they were both going to be fine.


	4. Chapter 4

_Liasonfan101__: Thanks so much!!!! I'm glad you're still enjoying the story!_

_SCLindseySC__: Thanks!! I've always enjoyed both characters so much and hated how TPTB insist on keeping them stunted and refuse to examine their insecurities, character flaws and strengths objectively. _

_Alicat621__: I'm so happy to have brought this fanfiction back to life. It's one of my favorites to write and always has been. I'm really glad you're enjoying it!_

_gyrlfrend__: I just got your email, actually! Thanks so much and I'm so happy you still like this fanfiction despite my terrible lack of updates. Since right now this and NP are my babies they're the ones that I'm focused on so no more lagging for me!_

**Chapter Four: Dying Proof**

Watching Elizabeth was painful, sometimes even more painful then thinking of or seeing Courtney. Not when she cried, which she didn't do much. No, it was when she was surrounded by the crowd, making conversation.

Her smiles never quite touched her eyes and her laughter was hollow. Not so anyone would notice though, only he did and sometimes, AJ thought, Jason did too. AJ would see his brother's eyes cloud over, his jaw tighten and then AJ would whisk her away because she didn't deserve to be in the mess that was his life.

She didn't deserve to be the other woman.

At the moment she was on the balcony of his new home, which she herself had decorated in light blue walls and darker blue panels with black leather furniture. It was much of her home as it was his. He liked that, liked the fact that she felt as though she could come into his home whenever she wanted to get away from her life. Liked the fact that not only his home but he himself was a sanctuary for her.

A month had come, passed. Snow blanketed the ground and talk of Christmas had already begun to fill the air. Children were excited, parents were shopping, as for Elizabeth, she was keeping busy, always busy. Cleaning, painting, working, getting ready to go back to college. There was nary a moment that she would just sit down, rest. Even on thanksgiving she had went all out, making the two of them dinner since her grandmother had went to Europe to spend the holiday with the rest of the Webbers- something Elizabeth hadn't been invited to.

The sliding door opened ands in walked Elizabeth, sketch pad in hand as she chewed thoughtfully on her lower lip. Her windblown hair fell over her pale cheeks; there wasn't even a redness from the cold, that worried him. Her blue eyes, slightly sunken in, bags the size of Texas underneath. The girl had seen better days. After she brushed the snow off her tight maroon sweater that accented how thin she kept getting, Elizabeth thrust the sketch book at him. "I, um, I drew you that. I did…I did it from memory so it might not be so good but you told me you had no pictures of Michael at this age so…I…thought this might help you."

AJ took the book and stared down at it, mouth agape as tears stung his eyes. It was beautiful, beyond beautiful. A sketch of Michael sleeping, his head against a pillow, eyes closed, looking at peace. "I'm…this is perfect. Thank you."

A small, strained smile touched her lips. "I'm glad you like it. I…have to get ready for work."

AJ put a hand on her shoulder, "wait, please?"

Slowly, she turned around. "You need to rest a little, Elizabeth. I'm worried about you."

Her eyes met his, "Oh, no. I'm fine. No need to worry, really." She patted him on the arm before taking off up the stairs in large bounds.

Furrowing his brow, AJ began to follow her up the steps but a knock on the door. When he opened it to see Courtney, AJ felt his heart sink. He wasn't ready to talk to her, not yet.

"AJ, I…I need to talk to you."

Closing his eyes, AJ stepped away from the door to let her in. Her blonde hair shimmered in the light and he ached to touch it but the feeling was empty. He knew that now. When she turned hr eyes were filled with tears. "I love you, AJ, I do."

"Courtney-"

"Let me finish. I love you but…I know what you did to me." Her chin raised a little, eyes meeting his. "I know you used me to get Michael back and I can't stand it. It's sick. You bargained my life for another. That's wrong."

It was like a slap in the face, a well deserved slap in the face. So she knew. What was he supposed to say? 'I'm sorry' just seemed patronizing and not big enough of a gesture. "It's true. I used you."

The tears began to spill, each one cutting a jagged whole through his already shattered heart. Quickly, she wiped them away. "I trusted you, with my life, my body, my heart and it was all a lie?" Brushing her blonde hair behind her shoulder, she went on, body trembling. "You never loved me, did you? It was all some kind of sick joke? Some kind of plan?"

Wetting his lips, AJ looked away. "It started out…as a plan to get Michael back. Courtney, I'm sorry…I am. More then you'll ever know…"

"You didn't. You…you never loved me." Before he could protest, she went on. "You told me you did, said a part of you always would but that isn't possible. It just isn't! If you loved me, really loved me then you would have told me the truth!"

It was hard seeing the pain in her eyes, hearing the truth in her words. Maybe he hadn't loved her, maybe it was just some kind of gratitude that he felt, some kind of hope. Maybe he loved the idea of being in love. Being in love with someone like her, sweet and kind and loyal…

_I know you believe we can and that's one of the reasons I fell in love with you_

"But you lied and you lied and you lied to me. You never stopped. Maybe you wanted it, AJ. Maybe you wanted to _believe[/i you could love me, I don't know. I don't think I know anything anymore, I especially don't think I know you." Her voice wavered at the end, broke. "But you were so kind to me…I…I'm so stupid."_

_There's an empty place inside that is hurting me__  
__A place that keeps my heart out on it's own__  
__A disconnected function of my wretchedness__  
__That keeps me so hard pressed __  
__It's a place where words are spoken you__  
__will never hear__  
__A broken bridge of lines that just won't come__  
__An empty lung that won't give the wind__  
__to speak at me__  
__How far can it be f_

AJ's eyes lowered, "No, you're not stupid, Courtney. I…if I didn't love you, I at least…I cared for you." Wincing at the scowl on her face, AJ took a step forward reproachfully. "Look, I'm pretty messed up, I always have been and my idea of love, it's not like other peoples…it's not normal." Coughing into his hand, he looked helplessly at the ceiling. "#$, Courtney. I'm an addict, a #$ addict. We don't have relationships, we take hostages. We don't love, we…want fixes." There was so much he wanted to tell her, to thank her for, to apologize for but the words wouldn't come out and she was speaking once more.

"So what was I to you? Just…a glass of vodka?"

"I…don't know."

The slap was heard throughout his house and the stinging of his cheek radiated throughout the rest of his face, slamming his head to the side. "I am not some, some, some _object_t, I'm a human being. A _human_ being!"

"You're right." He choked out.

She sniffled, wiping away more tears, "what kind of monster are you? What kind of father would you be if you just think you can auction people off like whores? I'm not a whore, AJ but you treated me like one. Shoveling money at me, trading me in for whatever it is you want!"

AJ heard Elizabeth come down the steps, saw her shadow cross Courtney's face. The blonde looked upwards, "is that what you're doing with her? Trying to hurt Jason? Is she just another object to you, AJ. Or am I the only one stupid enough to fall for your games?"

"Please…don't bring Elizabeth into this…"

"Is she better in bed?" Courtney asked in a hurt tone, "does she tell you how much she loves you? Does she cater to your little self-esteem issues?" A short laugh followed as she played ran her palms over her the cotton material of her black pants. "Does she enable you too, AJ?"

"Stop acting like the hurt party." Elizabeth snapped as she finished walking down the stairs. "Yeah, he used you. That sucks, I get it. But you lied too, Courtney. You told him he had nothing to worry about when it came to Jason."

"He didn't."

Snorting, Elizabeth glared at her. "Right, keep telling yourself that. You don't think I see how you look at Jason? How you looked at him on the docks that night he saved you? And you had the number to our hotel rooms in Washington. After you told AJ you would come to him if there were any problems…you went straight to Jason. You could have called him, gone to Mike, to Sonny, to anyone…but you chose Jason, the man AJ hates the most in this world." Her hand on her hip, she smirked. "Coincidence? I think not."

"That never would have happened if you hadn't left with him."

Dry, humorless laughter rang out. "And you knew how much I cared for Jason, we talked about it. But you still kissed him, I had been so nice to you. So don't you dare talk about me in any way shape or form."

Courtney's mouth twisted open, "none of this makes what AJ did to me any better."

"You're absolutely right, it doesn't. But it does give me room to kick your ass out of this house."

Courtney's eyes narrowed, "he'll hurt you too."

"Life is pain. Now get out."

Much to AJ's surprise, Courtney walked out, slamming the door behind her. Taking a deep breath he turned to Elizabeth. "I didn't love her. I…" AJ rested his forehead on his hand as he looked at the floor, letting the tears leak out. "I didn't…can you, I need some time…"

"Alone. I get it." She said softly, "I'll be upstairs calling off." Gently she put her hand on his shoulder, "if you need me…"

"I know."

He heard her bound up the steps quickly before he collapsed onto the couch, the energy wiped out of him. He didn't love Courtney…he never did. God, did he even know how to love? Would he ever?

A storm of emotions welled up inside him but wouldn't be released into tears and he didn't know why, didn't understand it and before he could even try the door opened, slammed shut and Jason walked in.

_Why you gotta be so mean to me__  
__Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see__  
__You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need__  
__So why you gotta be so mean to me_

"Aren't you happy enough ruining your own life?" Jason hissed out, "why are you so hell bent on hurting other people too?"

AJ looked up and took a deep breath; he was definitely not ready for this. Not at all. Dropping his head down again, AJ didn't even answer his brother. How could he? What answer did he have…

Damn it, he needed a drink.

"Wasn't Courtney enough, AJ? Now you have to screw Elizabeth over?"

AJ wiped his hand over his face, "it kills you, doesn't it?" The growl of his tone was unexpected but welcomed. "Elizabeth Webber got a taste of the great Jason Morgan, didn't like it and came to me? Must hurt."

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

It hurt.

It hurt because AJ was telling the truth.

Jason stared at his brother for a moment, the guy wasn't even angry. He was just sitting there like he had lost everything. But the words hit Jason like a ton of bricks and it was the fact they were said so plainly, so lifelessly. They weren't out of anger. Just a depressing fact that hung over them like a storm cloud.

But it hurt more seeing the stamp of Elizabeth in his house. She had to have helped decorate it, the place even smelled like her.

Her aroma permeated the air, fresh flowers, lavender.

"Where is she?"

AJ snorted, "so you can rub salt in her wounds? I don't think so." Picking up his glass of water, he took a drink. Damn, it tasted foul. "It's none of your business where she is anymore."

Jason's eyes narrowed, "where is she?" He said again, this time with more force. No matter what, no matter how she felt about him now she had to know that AJ would hurt her ten times worse. Retreating to him was the worst thing she could have done to herself. "AJ."

"I won't allow you to hurt her again, Jason. She deserves better then that." The dark haired man insisted as he smoothed over his wife beater, after standing up. A look, Jason realized, he shouldn't need anymore since he had his money back. "Is she still in any kind of danger? Is someone going to kidnap her again? Do you plan on shooting her again? Because if so, I'll take care of her and I'll keep her safe. I just need to know."

"Where is she?"

"So articulate, little brother." AJ shot out, raising his arms in the air, "and what will you say to her? 'Oh, I'm sorry I got married but how about a little diddling on the side, I hope you don't mind but Courtney and I have the same arrangement.' I don't think that will go over well." Walking past him, AJ turned around and glared, "she's not second best, Jason. You don't get to treat her that way anymore."

"She was never second best to me."

"So what, she was third?" Shaking his head, AJ rolled his eyes, "where did she rate on the hierarchy of people you care about Jason? Tell me where?" His demands grew louder and Jason could see his fury mount. As much as Jason hated it, the words were right on, each one cutting him like a knife. "It has to be after Sonny and Carly, that's third. Then there's Brenda and Courtney, now Elizabeth's fifth."

"What about you, AJ? How does she rate with you? How far after Vodka?"

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

"Shut the hell up."

AJ felt the tears burn behind his lids, "Just shut the hell up. Leave me alone, go away."

The taller brother stared at him, adjusting his leather jacket a little. "You're not denying it, are you? You know it's true. The second you get the chance, you're going to take that drink. You're going to drag her down with you. I won't stand by and watch, not this time."

"Gonna jump in a car with me again? I'd actually have reason to ram your head into a tree this time." AJ snapped out angrily. "You're such a twisted #$, you know that? You say you don't give a damn about me but still find the time to twist that knife a little deeper."

"It's never about you."

Laughing bitterly, AJ shook his head. "Oh right, I keep forgetting. You're out to save the world, one potential victim of mob violence at a time."

"You're an idiot, a loser, a drunk and you'll never be anything more. I won't stand for you dragging Elizabeth down with you, she deserves better then that."

"You mean like you?" AJ inquired nastily, "like the perfect, all knowing Jason Morgan?" He asked dryly, his hands clenching together. How much more could he take? How many punches to the gut? Not many, he already felt himself slipping. "You had your chance and you screwed that one up. You touched gold and let it slip through your fingers."

"And you'll grind it to dust." Jason remarked coldly, "you'll destroy her like you do everyone else. Like you did Courtney…because that's who you are, AJ, who you'll always be."

_Do you think that it got up and left for good this time __  
__A crowd of faceless strangers moving on __  
__A feeling that you left it all behind you now __  
__That it doesn't hurt somehow __  
__To know_

It broke.. All it took was a few visits and the string holding AJ together, letting him think that he moved onto a better place had been snapped. "Then why didn't you let me die?" His voice was low, almost inaudible. AJ looked up at his brother, swallowing slowly. "Why?!" He asked more forcefully, "I was all set to die, wouldn't have felt a thing I was so numb."

Without leaving Jason time to speak, AJ continued speaking as he paced the room like a trapped animal, raw emotion in every nuance, every syllable. "But you couldn't, couldn't let me have that peace. Couldn't do the right thing and let me burn, could you? No. Had to drag me out of there, had to play the hero. Didn't matter that I _wanted to die_."

"It was a suicide attempt, not arson, not trying to hurt anyone. I wanted death. Blackness, I wanted it to end. It was so real I could taste it, I thought I could find some peace, damn it! Once and for all, it would be over!" AJ grabbed Jason's jacket, eyes wild with fury, "but you took it away, just like you take everything away. Can't I have anything, Jason? Anything at all?"

"Courtney would have died herself, out of guilt. How selfish can you be?"

The tears came, he couldn't stop them. Collapsing onto the ground, AJ huddled up into a ball. "Why can't it be over? Why can't it just be over? I wanted it to end, I wanted the pain to stop, the hatred to be gone. I just wanted it all gone."

"Oh my God! AJ!"

Elizabeth's voice rang out like an angel's; he heard her soft footsteps come quickly down that staircase. "Are you alright? AJ?" Her hands fell on his shoulders, his forearms, his face. Cool, soft, gentle. It felt so good…

But then they stopped. She was standing. "Get the hell out, get out."

"Eliza-"

"GET OUT!" She screamed, "what the hell were you thinking? You have Courtney; you have his son, go away, get out. You have enough. Leave him alone!" AJ looked up to see Elizabeth shoving at his brother, "go! Get out! Haven't you done enough to us? Taken enough? Go."

"I need to get through to you, Elizabeth. Listen to me-"

"I'm through listening to you. Look what you did? My God, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't you _think_?" With each word her voice got louder, more irrational. "He's trying to do the right thing, he's let Courtney go, he's leaving you alone. Isn't it enough? Is anything enough for you?"

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

_Why you gotta be so mean to me __  
__Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see __  
__You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need __  
__So why you gotta be so mean to me_

It was mixing in Liz's head. Where her anger at Jason lay. Was it for AJ? For herself? She didn't know, didn't care. It was there, the prominent force in her mind. The weariness and fatigue faded and she was burning, hatred, anger, all for him. "People bend over backwards for you, to please you, to make you happy and be sure you're okay. But it doesn't work, it never works. You just suck it all up and never give back. You stare and you think it'll all be okay when it isn't. It never will be."

Shoving at him again and standing between the brothers she let her tirade go on, no stopping now. Not ever stopping. "I sleep with Zander, I get punished. _Fine_. But you never told me how you felt, you never did. And I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what's in your head. If you want a quick lay or something more! But you shut me out, one mistake and I was gone."

"No wonder AJ _hates_ you. No wonder Robin _left_. The only person willing to stay is Carly and what does that tell me, Jason? It tells me that she just wants to fill some freakish void in herself and you want her there to fill yours."

"That…isn't- isn't true." Jason argued, "my world was dangerous, you left because…"

"Because I didn't _matte_r to you, I'm good at being your damsel but nothing else. Not someone to trust, to love, to be equals with. That's why we ended for good. I saw you with Courtney and I realized I'll never be enough for you."

Jason's eyes clouded over, "you can't honestly think that Elizabeth."

"Why not? It's the truth. You never wanted me, never wanted to try. I see that now. I was the perfect choice though. I had been invested in another relationship, no matter how fragile it was at the time you knew I wouldn't leave Lucky. And then when you came back it was amidst much danger. Another perfectly reasonable excuse to push me away."

"That's not how it was."

Elizabeth threw her head back and laughed, "save it for Courtney, she still believes in you."

Jason took a step back, "I get that you're angry but Elizabeth, AJ? It's just stupid."

Wiping her hands over her face, she shook her head in disbelief, "so…what? I'm only smart when I'm with you, is that it?" There was a pause, "never mind, just get out. I can't look at you anymore."

"_Listen_ to me."

Shoving at his chest, Elizabeth growled out something inarticulate before her voice became clear. "I don't listen to you- to anyone anymore. Get out. Get out before I remove you. Right now!"

When he didn't budge she threw her arms in the air, "don't you get it? Seeing you hurts and I'm tired of hurting. God, what's wrong with you? What happened to your feelings? You're killing me!"

"I-I don't mean to!" Jason exclaimed, showing more emotion then AJ thought he was capable of. "I never wanted to hurt you, somewhere deep inside you have to know that."

"I should have known better then all of this. I should have stayed with Zander because he can't hurt me, not like you did. I opened my heart and you ripped it from my chest. It was beating in your hand and you don't even care!" The tears were on the verge of pouring now as she lashed out with her words, shoving him again. "why would you do this to me?"

"You were right. I pushed you away. I can't…I can't take it, not after Robin. I couldn't let anyone get too close. But you have to see that AJ will never love you either, he can't love anyone."

God it hurt, it hurt like hell to know. She should have left things as they were.

"He's broken, Elizabeth. He'll never be fixed."

"Get out." She heard AJ say from behind her, "Get the hell out of my house."

Jason looked from Elizabeth to AJ then turned around and walked out, shutting the door roughly behind him.

Elizabeth turned to AJ, his eyes were red from crying, his face shockingly pale. When she reached out to him, he took her face into his hands.

**XXXXXXXXXXX**

_So open up the book that you keep deep inside __  
__Let the pages yellow in the sun __  
__Show them that you're not afraid to let them see __  
__How far you can be __  
__From home_

Her eyes were blue, so blue, like pools of sapphire. Losing himself in them, in their pain and in their strength. Nothing looked so beautiful in his life, he could almost see the light shining on her, like a beacon of some sort. Unable to stop himself, AJ devoured his lips with hers, exploring the recesses of her mouth as he bent her backwards to the floor.

The world exploded.

Nothing seemed real anymore and he could feel his life mixing with hers, his mind touching hers, his being in rhythm with hers. It was perfect and oh-so-wonderful.

Until she pushed him off her, eyes blazing with fire. "AJ? What are you doing?"

"Lying back on the floor, facing the ceiling, he sighed. "I don't know. I just…he's right you know, I can't love. I'm broken, I'm…" Trailing off AJ closed his eyes, "God, I want a drink, I can almost taste the vodka. I want to drink and drink and drink until there's nothing left and I can just die."

His body shook with bitter laughter as he slowly dragged himself to his feet to look at Elizabeth. "I think I loved the idea of having someone in my corner more then anything else." Walking over to the couch, he sat down and braced his feet apart as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "and then it all went wrong, like it usually does for me. I mean, it got ugly. It's weird, seeing it now. I should have had this moment of clarity when I tried to off myself."

"The fire."

"Uh-huh. I mean no one called it what it was but deep down I knew. I tried to commit suicide that night. How can that be love?" He laughed a little, "I wonder sometimes if I've ever known love at all. It's so warped in my head, just like everything else." When she sat down next to him and placed her hand on the small of his back, he shrugged. "I keep looking back on that night- the fire and I remember pain, it hurt to breathe until the numbness came .

"God that night. Not one of my most golden moments." AJ pulled on a stray string from his pants, wrapping it around his finger as he spoke. "It wasn't good and if I stayed with her? I have no idea what I would have done next. I scare myself sometimes."

"I…don't know what to say. I wish I had some kind of words of wisdom or something but all I can think to say is _stay_, live, breathe, each day is hard but it's worth it." Biting on her lower lip, she shrugged. "It's worth it."

"I can't stop wanting what I want."

"And I can't sit here and watch you waste away, I won't do it." She argued hastily, "I'm not going to hang around while you drink yourself to death or slit your wrists. The first time you try? I'll have you committed."

"I'm not going to be able to do this on my own. I'm not strong enough."

Elizabeth's fingers intertwined with his, "are you asking for help, AJ?"

Letting out a breath of air, he nodded. "Yes, I'm asking for help."

**Song Credit: Mean to Me by Tonic**


End file.
